he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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