And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
