can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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