To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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