I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
