I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
