she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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