i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
