hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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