God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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