i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
foreskin is a definite game changer
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
