I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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