im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
