i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
