You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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