My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
