I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
