the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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