took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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