I love black thongs
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
