names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
