tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We are two peas in an std pod
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm like, not good at living.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
