Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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