I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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