I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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