I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
