Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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