Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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