And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
