He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You peed on a flamingo?!?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
