So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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