Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
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