You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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