mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
