Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
