So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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