So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
