How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
