she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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