Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
