So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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