I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
