I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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