it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
