he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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