Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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