Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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