When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
