He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
