My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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