The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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