We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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