yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
